I put out some mouldy bread for the birds, but an alienate it....

AT the risk of sounding like a My Chemical Romance fan, I feel very alienated most of the time. I'm in a tricky position. I have a condition that I am advised makes it difficult for me to feel connected to others, BUT I've ALWAYS felt that way ANYWAY, even before I was informed I'm officially a mentalist.
Also my interests mark me out as someone not of the mainstream persuasion, and even within the sub-cultures I am ghettoised in, I'm in another sub-culture of a sub-culture in some cases. Boy do i make life harder for myself, hahahahaha........

The thing is that I feel little to NO kinship with the vast majority of the other people that I'm supposed to have things in common with. Which saddens me greatly. Don't get me wrong, I make attempts to communicate and join in their li'l reindeer games, but i always get the sense that they can TELL I'm only going through the motions.....people just don't seem to warm to me. I don't know what i project, or if I keep people at arms length without knowing it, or WHAT I'm doing.....but in the end, I STILL feel alone.

The major interests in my life are music, magick, comic books, art and literature. A nice broad sweep of everything that encompasses the kind of things that fucking weirdos and nerds really dig (aside from computers and games, which i have always had ZERO interest in, and roleplaying games, which I stopped doing yeeeears ago because they were no fun anymore thanks to CCGs and other people). BUT, I'm a weirdo amidst the weirdos! Oy vey.

The music that appeals to me is generally very individual, or visceral. I like it hyper-complex or caveman simple, faster-than-light or slower than a no-legged tortoise. I'm all about extremes, baby.....BUT I can spot a poser or a fad-follower a MILE away - both in art AND in real life. I hear things that others don't, make connections that others don't, and generally pay more attention to things than most. Consequently I get the impression that people view me as some kind of creepy weirdo. Whether they do or not, their reactions to my conversations or my observations make me FEEL that is the opinion directed at me. So I feel alienated MUSICALLY.

First door closes.

The world of magick is full of people who subscribe to new-age philosophies - liberal humanists, basically - borderline christians, people with a massively overinflated sense of self-worth and their own eruditition (is that a word? well, it is now!) and utterly delusional 'satanists'.....and, again, I do not fit in with any of them. Every time I come across anyone connected with magick, I find that I just flat-out don't like them. The prevalent attitudes I come across are either one of pretension, a 'stance' or 'pose', an attitude that THEY know something, or just MORE, than YOU do, and YOU are wrong and will NEVER attain THEIR level of knowledge and aptitude, OR the previously mentioned 'liberal humanist', hippy, attitude, and I do not connect with any of them. In fact, they flat-out make me want to set fire to them. I want to LEARN, I want to EXPERIENCE and I do NOT want to have my attitude adjusted or have my errors pointed out to me as a feat of mystical one-upmanship. I once mentioned this problem to the denizens of internet community Barbelith, wjho promptly told me that I NEEDED to get over it and learn to love others and work with groups, and some went so far as to suggest that I was mentally unbalanced and needed to get some help due to my lack of interest in other people - especially after I expressed a wish to make contact with a non-human intelligence. Basically I was made to feel like a failed shut-in weirdo basket case. Nice. Way to support someone asking for help and advice.

Another door closes.

The final 'community' I 'should' feel part of but DON'T is the comic book fan community.
I've been a comic book reader since a very early age, starting with typical kids comics, through to early 70's reprints of horror/mystery comics by Steve Ditko et al, through to the Claremont/Byrne X-Men and early runs of The Defenders, then on to 2000AD and then back onto the US comics right through until the early 90's. I took a break for most of the 90's and started again in earnest in 1999 with Warren Ellis and Bryan Hitch's The Authority and continue to read and enjoy them to this very day............BUT.........I have never liked the company of my fellow fans very much. In fact the vast majority of them make my flesh crawl.

The general view of comic book fans as smelly autistic virgins wanking over copies of 'Tarot, Witch of The Black Rose' in their mothers basement whilst dressed as elves and cultivating a Warcraft addiction is NOT a stereotype, it is VERY much a REALITY....and it is a reality I just cannot stand. These losers obssess all day over the integrity of their collections and debate endlessly over the minutae of the continuity in whatever their book, or company, of choice is on internet forums. They have NO ability to take a step back and understand that opinions are SUBJECTIVE, and that someone disagreeing with them need not descend to the level of a personal attack.
Having spent some time working in a comic book shop I have met these people in the stinking flesh and noted more than trace amounts of autism and repressed sexuality, homo or OTHERWISE, in their behaviours, these people either CANNOT make eye contact, or else are OVERLY physically friendly to an inappropriate degree. I have seen grown men reduced to throwing a TANTRUM over the possibility that they may not get a particular issue or giveaway on the day of release, I have seen people argue to the point of TEARS over who is stronger, Superman or The Hulk. THESE are NOT people I want anywhere NEAR me...and don't get me STARTED on Anime and Manga fans.
Now, I must stress the point that I'm NOT saying that ALL comics fans are like this, BUT, in my experience (which is the only experience that I can talk from) a vast majority of them ARE. I HAVE met people who are very pleasant, but I've STILL never felt much of a connection with them for some reason or another. Maybe its ME, maybe not......

Another door closed.

SO, now you see my problem. My interests have driven me out of the mainstream into an underground populated with people I cannot stand and have NOTHING in common with aside from ONE, maybe TWO, shared interests. I have a very wide range of interests and I am constantly seeking new input, new sounds, new sights, new IDEAS, and I LOVE to communicate and throw ideas around with others.....BUT.....I just find that most people fixate on one or two subjects, and then only on one level.
I find most conversations I have soon start to bore me and I start looking around for a way to bow out without causing offence. So I tend to keep to myself now and that saddens me greatly, and I am sure that in time it WILL damage me, but i feel that its an act of self-preservation on my own part in order to protect my own self and sense of sanity.
I find people in general to be cumulatively TOXIC to me - I cannot stand to be around them for vast amounts of time, and en masse I avoid them as much as I can. I wish it wasn't that way, but I fail to see any evidence that things will improve.....if anything, people are getting DUMBER and MORE emotionally and intellectually disconnected from reality.

I'm opting out while I still have my sanity and no blood on my conscience.

It's all THEIR fault...No.1 - WINO

Inspired by my last post AND by a need to impress upon as many people as I can exactly HOW massively underrated yet UTTERLY fantastic they are, I'm starting an irregular series of blogs dedicated to people who have helped make me what and who I am today AND will, hopefully, continue to shape and influence me in whatever I do into the future.



Scott 'WINO' Weinrich. One of my favourite guitarists and vocalists...hell....favourite people. Period. Soulful vocalist, ELECTRIFYING guitarist, a great songwriter AND owner of the firmest handshake that I have ever experienced. Whatever the man does is worth taking the time to listen to or look at. He is THE real deal, and a MASSIVE influence on my guitar playing. Not that you can always tell, but trust me, he is.

I've been privileged to see him play with several of the bands he's been a member or leader of, and met the man himself on a few occasions. Musically he has NEVER disappointed me, on record OR live, and as a man he has impressed me with his strength of character, sense of purpose and his singleminded pursuit of his vision. I am, however, saddened by the fact that I never got to see him play live with possibly my favourite of his groups, The Hidden Hand. Their records 'Mother, Teacher, Destroyer' and 'The Resurrection Of Whiskey Foote' are WELL worth tracking down. If you aren't familiar with the man or his music, I kindly suggest you rectify this case IMMEDIATELY. Your ears and soul will thank you for it forever.




http://www.myspace.com/winoschopper
http://www.myspace.com/theobsesseddoom
http://www.myspace.com/stvitus
http://www.myspace.com/spiritcaravanmusic
http://www.myspace.com/thehiddenhandsound
http://www.myspace.com/shrinebuildergroup

If music be the food of love, put that piano in batter

Ok, so folks have been asking when I intend to update this here blog. I've tried a couple of times but I'm finding it hard to focus and reign in my 'all-over-the-shop' thought patterns, until this morning. I had my ass and ears kicked in by a band and it made me want to tell you all about some bands lately that have been rockin' my bizarro world.....

SHRINEBUILDER 'S/T'.......Need I say any more?

Wino. Dale Crover. Scott Kelly. That guy who was in Sleep but is now in Om. A veritable doom metal supergroup. I've been waiting for this one since I first heard about it baaaaaaaack iiiiin the miiiiiissssts oooof tiiiiiiime, and it finally dropped onto my doormat yesterday. I've been dodging people offering me downloads of the 4 track promo version of this since I wanted to experience the whole thing......and boy am I glad I did.
NOW, if there is ONE thing you should know about me, it is THIS -

I LOVE SCOTT 'WINO' WEINRICH.
I WORSHIP HIM LIKE A GOD.

He is to me what Clapton and Gilmour are to boring 'blues' obssessed pothead fucks. So I've been DYING to hear this, what with me ALSO being a long-time MELVINS lover, and it does NOT disappoint - despite what the naysayers are naysaying about it (since even before it was even recorded!). Sure I have one or 2 minor reservations about it, but they're really not enough to spoil my enjoyment of this hefty slab of solid ROCK.

I was in a baaad mood this morning when I got up, slapped this baby into my CD walkman as I headed out of the door........and was almost instantly grinning the shit-eating grin of an apple-happy idiot with a particularly crisp and shiny Granny Smith in his sights. 'Solar Benediction', the said opener, comes in on a particularly thumping set of drumb-clubbing from Mr Crover before alighting into a scorching Wino-led riff-fest, with Winos' soulful vocals providing the cherry on the top. WHOA. I was in LOVE baby! When Scott Kelly joins the fray, blends his gruff bark with Wino and the riffage turns COLLOSSAL, its like a fucking MOUNTAIN falling in on me.
The music ebbs and flows and then powers back into YUGE RIFFS OF DOOOOOM, with Wino giving us his tastiest licks with a guitar sound like an Assyrian Lion roaring its tits off.
'Pyramid Of The Moon', track 2, kicks in with another BELTER of a riff that had me particularly excited as it reminded me rather heavily of 2 riffs of my OWN, written for the late They Are Cowards. It even had a TONE like my own guitar sound, so as you can imagine, I was grinning THAT grin again.....waving at magpies and huge potentially murderous hounds and generally making like a Cheshire Cat.....and yes, I DO have a beard (private joke). In fact, as far as actual tracks go, all 5 present here are total killers............

BUT

........Al Cisneros. Why? Seriously. I mean, he's not a BAD bassist - far from it - but he IS nothing more than a one-trick pony. I mean, the guy has been coasting on the exact same vocal and bassline since Sleeps' Holy Mountain back in 1992!!
There is absolutely ZERO variation in what the guy does. ALL of his runs appear to be in exactly the same key, and his droning vocals just bore me rigid. Thankfully, he only gets to do a couple of solo vocal spots here and there, but I can HEAR his predictable bass runs WAY more than I'd like to. Y'know, I have nothing personal against the man, but if he NEVER made another record again I'd dance a fucking jig......rant over, back to the superlatives.....

So, yeah, just go get it. Really. I hope it kicks your ass and makes you smile like it did me. God knows you could DO with it.

http://www.myspace.com/shrinebuildergroup

A little paranoia is a good propeller

I was recently diagnosed as having 'schizotypal personality disorder' - a diagnosis I at once accept to some degree and question - and one of the symptoms of said condition is a tendency toward paranoid thinking. Now, THIS is causing me a few sleepless nights due to ongoing situations in my life, and I'm thinking a lot about the old maxim that 'just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you'.

Speaking hypothetitically, as it would be indelicate and stupid of me to 'name and shame', if your employer is ACTING like they are trying to make your job and life more difficult after being made aware of your condition, and is giving off the distinct impression that their support is through fear of consequences, as opposed to altruism, is that what is ACTUALLY happening, or just your PERCEPTION of events, as seen through the filter of your 'condition'?

On a similar tack, another symptom of the condition is 'magical thinking'....which is something that I am, and always HAVE been, prone to - inasmuch as I perceive, or 'imagine' that I 'perceive', the occult undertow and bizarre links behind a great many everyday events. Now, this is being presented to me as a BAD thing, an escape from reality into imaginary realms of fantasy, but I find it very difficult indeed to actually SEE it as such...to ME, its the way i have always seen the world from a very early age.
As a child I was obsessed with mythology and folklore and it really affected my worldview. I read voraciously from as soon as I was able to, and my reading material was exclusively books about dinosaurs, Doctor Who novels, occasional sci-fi and as many books on myths and legends, witchcraft and folklore as I could find. I was particularly fond of the myths and tales of ancient Greece and the Norse myths of the gods, BUT i was also a member of the school Bible Club - I was unable to discern the difference between the Bible stories and the greek myths I was reading, and my discovery that people thought the Bible stories were REAL but the greek myths were NOT caused me a great deal of confusion and consternation. Could they not see, as I could, that Jesus, Lucifer, Balder, Prometheus, Dionysus and Apollo were all basically the same figure?
I figured THAT out early on, and couldn't see why no-one else had. THIS was my first introduction into 'magical thinking' - CORRESPONDENCES.
To me, the world at large, seen and unseen, is webbed with such correspondences....and links can be made between seemingly disparate things with ease, given enough intellectual leeway. There are no such things as 'coincidences' - ALL 'chance' events have a pattern if you view them from the correct vantage point. An example follows;

Recently I was crossing a road in the city centre near where i live. I was listening to a CD on a CD walkman (I don't own an ipod - a decision I am beginning to regret) entitled 'Tales of the New Isis Lodge' (available from the souvenir shop at http://www.english-heretic.org.uk/ ) which is described by the displaced trans-yuggothian future-insect minds behind it as;

'Probably the first Musical inspired by the creative occultism of Kenneth Grant, Tales Of The New Isis Lodge presents 65 minutes of lush and occult exotica issuing from a transplutonic transmitter. Drawing its structure from the ultra decadent and ornate rituals described in Grant's book Hecate's Fountain English Heretic guide you through Egyptian pre-history to the fungi of yuggoth, re-imagine flower power in an indian tantric idiom, describe the workings of Chinese sorcerers, realise the neither-neither hidden within the jump rhythms of Count Basie and invoke Choronzon in the Crimson Desert. Aeons in its reification and packaged in delicious artwork, stylised as a homage to Grant's Typhonian tomes'

Which may not mean much to anyone not acquainted with the work and writings of
Mr Grant (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kenneth_Grant),
Mr Lovecraft (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/H._P._Lovecraft) or
Mr Crowley (,http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aleister_Crowley) but is a pretty accurate summary of the philosophic and lyrical content behind the recording - but, i digress......anyway, as I said, I was crossing the road with the aforementioned CD in my headphones when the CD arrived at the final track 'Demon Feast/the Dagger of Bou Said' - which is an almost literal reading of Crowley and Victor Neuburg (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victor_Benjamin_Neuburg) performing the 'Calls of the aethyr' of the Enochian Keys of Doctor John Dee (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Dee) in the desert of Bou Saada. The track got to the beginning of the demon Choronzons monologue, when suddenly from out of nowhere a bus came hurtling toward me, nearly knocking me down.....the number of the bus? 93. I leapt out of the way and onto the opposite side of the road and noted a billboard in front of me advertising some type of car or other, and in the background of the billboard ad I could discern the silhouette of the 'extraterrestrial' intelligence LAM - painted by Crowley and much beloved of Grant.

Is it wrong of me to see the link between those 3 events? Is it a symptom of my 'illness'? Or is it so blindingly obvious that only a fool would deny the link? Now, to frame the events in their proper context, I have been having an ongoing magickal crisis vis a vis why do I find it so hard to actually PRACTICE magick these days? Should I even bother? Am I delusional? Is everyone who tries to dissuade me from the path in fact RIGHT? In those events, I felt I could discern the invisible hand of magick itself, operating through my interest in Crowley and things related, giving me a distinctly unsubtle push toward helping me decide. I have had this happen before, but never in such a direct manner. It is both a worry AND a comfort to me. But...is it REAL or are my perceptions 'damaged' in some way because of my condition in conjunction with my propensities? Now, most people that i have discussed it with have placed it firmly within the framework of my 'illness'....but then I have to remind them that they cannot speak for me, nor share my perception, therefore, my question really ought to be....do I CARE? Does it MATTER?

......and on balance, I find myself saying NO.


Postscript - just as I was about to post this, I noted a typo in the title I had assigned to it. I had written 'AL little paranoia....', which is, to me at least, deply amusing given the subject and content of this li'l screed....http://www.sacred-texts.com/oto/engccxx.htm

What have I done??

Yikes.

Deep breath.

Focus. 'kay, I've been thinking about doing this for a while, and ,y'know, I thought it may help. My name is Paul, I'm 36 and I'm a fucking nightmare and a liability.
Seriously.

I have....uh.....issues with just about everything.

I don't mean in an 'Adrian Monk' kinda way, more like in a 'Carl Panzram' way.

Ha. I laugh that I may not cry.

I intend to use this here 'blog' thing to air some of my thoughts and feelings, and share my enthusiasms, passions and virulent hatreds with YOU....my non-existent non-friends out there in interwebworld, safe in the knowledge that no-one gives a rats ass about me or my petulant mewling and raving and obssessing over bands/books/comics/foodstuffs/magick/movies/outsider philosophy and whatever else is floating my sinking ship at any given point.

So there you go. Take me or leave me. But remember, I am always right here. Because I say so.