I was recently diagnosed as having 'schizotypal personality disorder' - a diagnosis I at once accept to some degree and question - and one of the symptoms of said condition is a tendency toward paranoid thinking. Now, THIS is causing me a few sleepless nights due to ongoing situations in my life, and I'm thinking a lot about the old maxim that 'just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you'.
Speaking hypothetitically, as it would be indelicate and stupid of me to 'name and shame', if your employer is ACTING like they are trying to make your job and life more difficult after being made aware of your condition, and is giving off the distinct impression that their support is through fear of consequences, as opposed to altruism, is that what is ACTUALLY happening, or just your PERCEPTION of events, as seen through the filter of your 'condition'?
On a similar tack, another symptom of the condition is 'magical thinking'....which is something that I am, and always HAVE been, prone to - inasmuch as I perceive, or 'imagine' that I 'perceive', the occult undertow and bizarre links behind a great many everyday events. Now, this is being presented to me as a BAD thing, an escape from reality into imaginary realms of fantasy, but I find it very difficult indeed to actually SEE it as such...to ME, its the way i have always seen the world from a very early age.
As a child I was obsessed with mythology and folklore and it really affected my worldview. I read voraciously from as soon as I was able to, and my reading material was exclusively books about dinosaurs, Doctor Who novels, occasional sci-fi and as many books on myths and legends, witchcraft and folklore as I could find. I was particularly fond of the myths and tales of ancient Greece and the Norse myths of the gods, BUT i was also a member of the school Bible Club - I was unable to discern the difference between the Bible stories and the greek myths I was reading, and my discovery that people thought the Bible stories were REAL but the greek myths were NOT caused me a great deal of confusion and consternation. Could they not see, as I could, that Jesus, Lucifer, Balder, Prometheus, Dionysus and Apollo were all basically the same figure?
I figured THAT out early on, and couldn't see why no-one else had. THIS was my first introduction into 'magical thinking' - CORRESPONDENCES.
To me, the world at large, seen and unseen, is webbed with such correspondences....and links can be made between seemingly disparate things with ease, given enough intellectual leeway. There are no such things as 'coincidences' - ALL 'chance' events have a pattern if you view them from the correct vantage point. An example follows;
Recently I was crossing a road in the city centre near where i live. I was listening to a CD on a CD walkman (I don't own an ipod - a decision I am beginning to regret) entitled 'Tales of the New Isis Lodge' (available from the souvenir shop at http://www.english-heretic.org.uk/ ) which is described by the displaced trans-yuggothian future-insect minds behind it as;
'Probably the first Musical inspired by the creative occultism of Kenneth Grant, Tales Of The New Isis Lodge presents 65 minutes of lush and occult exotica issuing from a transplutonic transmitter. Drawing its structure from the ultra decadent and ornate rituals described in Grant's book Hecate's Fountain English Heretic guide you through Egyptian pre-history to the fungi of yuggoth, re-imagine flower power in an indian tantric idiom, describe the workings of Chinese sorcerers, realise the neither-neither hidden within the jump rhythms of Count Basie and invoke Choronzon in the Crimson Desert. Aeons in its reification and packaged in delicious artwork, stylised as a homage to Grant's Typhonian tomes'
Which may not mean much to anyone not acquainted with the work and writings of
Mr Grant (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kenneth_Grant),
Mr Lovecraft (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/H._P._Lovecraft) or
Mr Crowley (,http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aleister_Crowley) but is a pretty accurate summary of the philosophic and lyrical content behind the recording - but, i digress......anyway, as I said, I was crossing the road with the aforementioned CD in my headphones when the CD arrived at the final track 'Demon Feast/the Dagger of Bou Said' - which is an almost literal reading of Crowley and Victor Neuburg (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victor_Benjamin_Neuburg) performing the 'Calls of the aethyr' of the Enochian Keys of Doctor John Dee (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Dee) in the desert of Bou Saada. The track got to the beginning of the demon Choronzons monologue, when suddenly from out of nowhere a bus came hurtling toward me, nearly knocking me down.....the number of the bus? 93. I leapt out of the way and onto the opposite side of the road and noted a billboard in front of me advertising some type of car or other, and in the background of the billboard ad I could discern the silhouette of the 'extraterrestrial' intelligence LAM - painted by Crowley and much beloved of Grant.
Is it wrong of me to see the link between those 3 events? Is it a symptom of my 'illness'? Or is it so blindingly obvious that only a fool would deny the link? Now, to frame the events in their proper context, I have been having an ongoing magickal crisis vis a vis why do I find it so hard to actually PRACTICE magick these days? Should I even bother? Am I delusional? Is everyone who tries to dissuade me from the path in fact RIGHT? In those events, I felt I could discern the invisible hand of magick itself, operating through my interest in Crowley and things related, giving me a distinctly unsubtle push toward helping me decide. I have had this happen before, but never in such a direct manner. It is both a worry AND a comfort to me. But...is it REAL or are my perceptions 'damaged' in some way because of my condition in conjunction with my propensities? Now, most people that i have discussed it with have placed it firmly within the framework of my 'illness'....but then I have to remind them that they cannot speak for me, nor share my perception, therefore, my question really ought to be....do I CARE? Does it MATTER?
......and on balance, I find myself saying NO.
Postscript - just as I was about to post this, I noted a typo in the title I had assigned to it. I had written 'AL little paranoia....', which is, to me at least, deply amusing given the subject and content of this li'l screed....http://www.sacred-texts.com/oto/engccxx.htm